Fatherhood and Discipline

Discipline is about helping children learn how to behave.

Many fathers we work with have a misguided view of discipline.  It is one of the most misunderstood topics and one that results in many fathers being referred to our program.  Their discipline style is based upon how they were raised in a different time and different context.  They never evaluated whether the discipline they experienced was appropriate or effective in shaping their behavior.  Let's begin by establishing that discipline derives from the Latin word "disciplus" which means to teach and guide, not designed to threaten, and harm our children.

One of the biggest lessons I learned is: RULES without RELATIONSHIP equals REBELLION!

Discipline works best if you have warm and loving relationships with children. Babies need warm and loving care to feel safe and secure. For toddlers and older children, discipline means setting limits and consequences and encouraging good behavior.

Here are the ten discipline strategies I have learned over the years:

1. Show and tell. Instruct your children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
2. Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
3. Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
4. Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving it the consequences.
5. Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parents' attention.
6. Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").
7. Know when not to respond. If your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring unruly behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring unruly behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
8. Be prepared for trouble. Plan for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
9. Redirect unruly behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
10. Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

Spanking's unhealthy cycle: Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in twenty large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.  

Lasting marks: Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.

Verbal abuse: Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.

Consider these tips and put them into your Discipline Toolbox

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